Just Checking In
Let's catch up on the past two months of my life.
Well, hello there.
I say this every time, but I’ve missed you guys. I always forget just how much of a relief writing on Substack is and how much it frees me from the endless thoughts constantly circling my brain. There’s so much I have to say and so much I want to say, but I’m not sure I have the words right now. So instead, here’s a little recap of what my life has looked like since we last spent some time together.
The Highs and Lows of January
Highs
I started cooking and baking a lot. There was something about the start of the new year and the recognition that I wasn’t getting any younger that made me start valuing the meals I could create. Gingerbread chai cookies, million dollar pasta, carrot cake, you name it! Check out some of my creations from the month:
I also have some new facial hair! Well, maybe this is a lie. I’ve had a goatee before in my earlier undergrad years, but I eventually went to my normal, mustache-only look. Now that I’m 24 and it’s a new year, I decided to try out this new look since it helps age me a little bit. What do you think? I think I like it!
Lows
School has been so exhausting. Going into this academic year, I was really hoping that the first-year really was the hardest year of law school. But oh boy, I was wrong. And it’s not just the academics; it’s the academics on top of the extracurriculars, the career decisions, and the lack of institutional support. I did have a riveting discussion about this in class today, though: law school is designed to tear you down. That’s why the legal professional broadly is filled with substance abuse problems, questionable morals, and burnt out practitioners.
I also started an internship at a court in Raleigh this month. Don’t get me wrong, I was extremely grateful for the opportunity to take on such a great role. But juggling school, an internship, a job, and all the other challenges of my life quickly proved to be quite difficult.
Keeping with this theme of school, because I had so much going on, I had practically no me time. I hadn’t been sleeping much, I hadn’t had time to play my PlayStation, and I hadn’t had much time for exercise. Spoiler alert, this also spilled over into February.
I was also navigating a ton of questions about my career: do I want to clerk? Do I want to return to my firm? Am I really ready for life after graduation? Lots of thoughts, lots of questions, but so little time.
The Highs and Lows of February
Highs
Objectively, I think I’ve acclimated more to school and to my internship this month. At first, I despised my internship supervisors for throwing me into work unprepared. But I now appreciate that level of sink or swim and learn by doing. Because in not having as much hand holding in the beginning of my internship, I have been forced to quickly learn and exercise a new set of legal skills. And I’ve come to realize that I’m interested in criminal law! So, I’m feeling very excited about where this can take my career.
I also agreed to take on more responsibilities at church. I was very nervous about it in the beginning, but February has been about me finally taking up space in the places that are important to me. I don’t want to say much on this until everything is confirmed (hint), but I’m excited and honored to feel called by God and by the congregation. I’m not sure what anyone sees in me, honestly. But I’m just honored to be seen and loved by a God who refuses to let me go.
Lows
Same as January, school has been exhausting, and it has taken everything in me to keep pushing forward. But while school is trucking along, life has continued to happen.
My Uncle passed away about two weeks ago. We weren’t necessarily close, but that was still my Uncle — the father of my Cousins, the man my Aunt still loves. So, this was hard, and it put me behind in my work, as expected. But it wasn’t necessarily his loss alone that floored me and knocked me off my game for a while. It was the fact that his death marked the fifth person I will have lost since beginning my law school journey. That’s five people in a year-and-a-half. That is a gut-wrenching realization.
Maybe it’s selfish, but that’s what made his loss hurt all the more. I’ve had such a challenging time since beginning this journey. I’ve been navigating a break up (more on this shortly), I’ve doubted myself and my place in legal practice, and I’ve been hit by grief back-to-back. This is a lot to ask of anyone. But it’s especially a lot to ask of someone undergoing the most rigorous academic program of their life.
And on the break up front, February has been dedicated to navigating this even more. I don’t want to say much on this front — because I do believe in protecting his privacy and keeping things between us. But here’s what I’ll say: it’s a different type of grief when you have to acknowledge that the version of the person you love(d) no longer exists. So you find yourself suspended in time and navigating an alternate story for your life that you didn’t see coming.
But for the last few months, I’ve been so much better about accepting life for what it is. Because what I’ve learned is that to be alive means I have to be thankful for it all — even the things I wished didn’t happen. So, slowly but surely, I’m moving forward. I’ve been working hard to leave the lust in 2025. I’ve gone on a date (nothing came out of this. But I’m glad I went). And I’m trying to focus on letting the rest of my story unfold. I’m just praying it’s a good story, you know?
As promised, returning to the theme of January, I have not been sleeping much this month. Nor have I had time to exercise and spend time with myself and play my PlayStation and nurture some of my relationships. In fact, this picture is me after having pulled an all-nighter and worked all day to turn around a memo for my judge that I needed to finish in order to present a case to her and prepare her for next week’s oral argument. We all ended up working through lunch, so I was scarfing down a sandwich before making the trek back home.
February really has been one of the longest months of my life. I’m just hoping the latter half of the month is even sweeter to me.
Well, thanks for reading. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you all the same amount of emotional depth as my other posts. But honestly, I’m tired, and I’ve been crying today, so this is the best I’ve got for you.
I usually end my posts with a prayer. But instead, I want to end this with a screenshot of a post that I saw a few weeks back. I hope it touches you like it does me.
And one more, for good measure.
Thanks for reading, sweet friend. Hoping I’ll be back into my routine here shortly. Please take care of yourself.
All my love, x.
